Even though I’m not experiencing this, I get it why.
If I want to love someone or if I want to let someone to love me, I need to befriend with him first and vice versa. He needs to be able to be my friend, before I can fall in love with him, or before we got into a serious thing. I have a trust issue, so I need to make sure if I open my heart to someone, he can be trusted. I mean, I would not tell literally everything happen to my self to someone who I do not completely trust. If you are my friend, I can trust you. If I can trust you, I may fell in love with you. Wenak. (hahaha!)
Some people told me that I’m single because I’m picky. No. I just don’t trust people easily, in terms of relationship. Other than that, I’m cool at trusting people. Because you know that when you love someone who’s not right, it hurts. And I don’t want to waste my time for that anymore.
Seleksi alam itu berlaku di segala lini kehidupan kita; termasuk pertemanan. Setiap orang pasti punya pengalaman yang berbeda-beda, tapi kata kebanyakan orang, semakin kita dewasa, teman kita semakin dikit. Aku tidak tahu ‘dikit’ ini seberapa, karena dikit dan banyak itu sangat relatif. Namun, bagiku yang jelas, seleksi alam berlaku. Temanku yang masih membersamai aku sampai sekarang, bukan sekedar teman haha hihi, tapi teman yang aku bisa cerita dan diskusi apa saja, dari hal serius sampai remeh temeh. Dari teman jalan, teman kerja, teman komunitas, teman podcast, dan teman ngopi. Ain’t nobody got time for fake friends right.
I did not know that my relationship was a toxic relationship until I read The Subtle Art of not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson. It was failed relationships, though, now I’m glad it was failed; because it was unpleasant – if I may say.
PS: I dare writing about this on my blog because I am 100% completely, quitesure, that my exes are not giving a fuck about this or about me writing about our past relationship. Plus, we are not following each other on social media. Even if they read this, I do not mention their name and the failed relationships were not absolutely their sole fault. Part of them was my fault too.
I don’t mind talking about exes. I don’t have any feelings for them anymore, and I wonder why I was so crazy in love with them. hahaha! Anyway, I never write about this topic before, except the last one though.
I have three exes. (Mantan gebetan ga termasuk kan?). If it is included, I do not remember how many gebetan that I had because I never included them as a ‘serious relationship’. I don’t know what is it in English, I don’t think English have the concept of gebetan anyway.
The first and the second one when I was in senior high school. The third one is when I was in college. When I was in 10th grade, my school has 8 classes for 10th grade, I was included in X3. Saputra and Setio, not their real name, also in X3. At first, Setio and I were a best friend, but actually, I did like him, more than a friend. I don’t know why I liked him, it was so stupid. He was a bad guy, and I used to love bad guys. *ugh *I know 😏
At that time, Setio already had a girlfriend, s didn’t bother him with her girlfriend. Meanwhile, I was closed to Saputra. I couldn’t remember why we were so close. After a while, we texted a lot, he asked me whether I wanted to be his girlfriend. I don’t even remember how did it happen. But, I do remember that my heart was pounding when he said that he loved me. It feels so good when somebody likes me and says it. So, finally, we were in a relationship.