I did not know that my relationship was a toxic relationship until I read The Subtle Art of not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson. It was failed relationships, though, now I’m glad it was failed; because it was unpleasant – if I may say.
PS: I dare writing about this on my blog because I am 100% completely, quite sure, that my exes are not giving a fuck about this or about me writing about our past relationship. Plus, we are not following each other on social media. Even if they read this, I do not mention their name and the failed relationships were not absolutely their sole fault. Part of them was my fault too.
If you are not familiar with the phrase ‘toxic relationship,’ it happens when your relationship is not healthy. Having a relationship is supposed to make you feel good about yourself, happy, and content. Meanwhile, according to one of Manson’s well-known book, the unhealthy one happens when:
- each of you is trying to run away from your problem through your feelings to each other.
- your partner is possessive or over-jealous
- your partner, basically, hate your parents
- you are are trying to make your partner happy, but you cannot make yourself happy
- you try to ‘fix’ your partner, or vice versa
- you try to sacrifice for your partner, but you want something for return. (Anyway, these are my paraphrase and summary, so don’t worry about the plagiarism.)
I experienced almost all of these. Number 1, yes, I had a relationship when both of us had our own problem. Instead of solving and taking responsibility for it, we ran away from the problem. Then, we poured each other feelings, like, ‘everything is fine as long as I’m with you’. We tried to feel content by loving each other. But, it was nonsense. The truth is, everything is not okay if we do not take care of our own problem. At that time, we still had things to deal with.
After that, since both of us escaping from our problems, we tried to make each other happy but we did not know how to be happy (Yes, number 4). That was silly and stressful, yet it happened. I could not explain how exhausted I was because I still had my own problem but I tried to make my ex happy. I bet my ex might feel the same too. While I’m writing this, I realise that we were still a teenager back then. However, people in all ages could experience this kind of relationship too. So, if you are already experiencing number 1 and 4, you might want to deal with your problem first. You have to find your own happiness. A healthy relationship is when two happy people enjoy the company of each other, not to try to solve each other problems.
Next, one of my big mistakes was that I tried to ‘fix’ my ex (number 5). One of my exes was … I don’t know what to say. The point is, I was trying to make him better, ‘for the sake of us and our relationship’. After two years of dating, he did not change. I could hold up my relationship for that long because I stupidly was expecting that he could change, and I could help him in that process. I know that it was a shitty experience, but one thing that I can learn from this that you can never change people. You cannot date someone and then hope him/her that they would turn into someone better or turn into someone that you like. People can only change if only they want to. It is their choice. Our choice is to accept it or if you can’t, just go.
The last thing that I experienced the worst among numbers 1 to 6 is the last one, the sacrifice thingy. I understand when we are in a relationship, we want to be loved, cared, and all those kinds of things -that you know what I mean. Yet, there is a boundary. There is a difference when you want to sacrifice to someone because you really want to or you because you want something from them. It is really hard to explain this abstract thing.
When I loved someone, say my ex, I would really care about him and I would do anything for him, in my capacity, genuinely. I did not care if he would do the same because I loved him that much. (Although I was kind of sure that he would do the same because he loved me that much too, hehe). But I hate it when he mentioned that he did this and that because he loved me, he said. ‘It was a sacrificed’, he said. He did it because he loved me and he did and said that not only once. To be honest, it made me feel like shit and kind of guilty somehow. I did not know what it was, if he truly love me or not. But his love is completely conditional.
Take a deep breath, people.
My writing right now might seem depressing (?) I don’t know how do you perceive this post too, but there are two reasons why I write about this: I have seen toxic relationships nearly everywhere, and now I know what I want in a relationship.
I have seen people having a bad relationship either in movies or even in real life. But they are still on it, because I guess they are trapped. They might think like they do not have choices, but choices has always been there. Change or leave.
If I’m in a relationship, I want to be with someone who’s happy being himself, able to take responsibilities about their problems, trusting me taking care of my own problem, and stuff like this. I don’t want to be with someone who feels like he is only perfect or happy if he is with me. Instead, I want to be with someone who feels whole or content. Sound heavy? I know 😌. This is why I’m single. I want to take things slowly, no rush, and chill.