I have meant to write about dad a few days ago, but this morning -so I have a reason to procrastinate- I finally did it.
I miss my dad. But I’m not the kind of daughter who says, “I miss you, dad” like literally. It just no and ew. My dad also not the kind of father who says, “I miss you”, but sometimes he says he loves me and calls me ‘sweety’, I’m just ugh. But I do miss him. We do miss each other but we never say it. And writing about dad like this is one of my coping mechanisms.
Oh, and he doesn’t know that I have blogs and I wrote about him sometimes, so I feel safe. (Bukan) anak durhaka. Mom does know I have a blog, but I don’t think she reads it because she is not good at social media. My sister and my brother aware that I write here, but I think they won’t bother to read. (But if you guys read this, don’t tell mom and dad, or I will kill you *kidding).
No, I’m not kidding.
Today, I’m going to tell you that dad is my biggest competitor. I’m a competitor. I think it is in my blood. My primary school teachers and my peers back then also played in crucial role in shaping my behaviour. I was taught to be competitive, and that my peers were not my friends, they were my competitors. It is a long story that I don’t want to talk about that right now. The other reasons why I’m a competitor I guess because I’m the first daughter and I’m the oldest. It’s like I have to be the role model for them.
I know it sounds tough, but having a competitive behaviour it’s like a gift and a curse at the same time. I always know what I want and I often put some effort to achieve it, if I extremely want it. Having a competitive side (and also a perfectionist) makes me always do the best I can in everything. I often being so hard on myself. And that is the negative thing, being hard on myself. So, I always feel very unhappy if I fail on something. Yet, I don’t want to compete for everyone. The one that I want to compete for the most is my dad.
Dad is not a perfect person, but for me, he is the most perfect person ever live. He always wakes up at 4am and manages to go to the mosque. He rarely sleeps after subuh (morning prayer), and I often caught him doing his working or teaching stuff. He eats clean. Like crazy. There are so many unhealthy freaking delicious food in Indonesia, but he can manage to avoid it. If you are not aware of Indonesia food culture, let me tell you right now. So, Indonesians value food based on whether that is tasty or not. You will find a lot of fried food offered in restaurants/eatery and you will barely find a vegetarian option. The most unhealthy food that daddy would like to eat is Bakso (meatball) or pangsit (a kind of noodle that is very famous in my hometown). He often makes mom annoyed because he is so picky about food. So, at home, mom always cooks two ways: the healthy one, for dad; and not-so-healthy one, for the kids. And of course, I always eat the not-so-healthy one because of that always the tastiest.
I have been studying in Australia for 1 year and a half, and I haven’t published a journal. During the semester, it is obvious that I don’t have time to manage to upload a journal. During the semester break, of course, I’m always busy (I’m being sarcastic here). The other reasons are because I just don’t put some effort to publish a journal. I don’t have enough confidence that my essays or mini-research are worth to be published. I don’t even try. And every time I want to try it or edit my assignments to be published, there is something that makes me not to do it. In the meantime, dad has already published one journal, and he is about to publish another one. I knew because I’m the one who translated his abstract. It was excellent, I’m so proud of him. Yet, I’m already losing to him.
One thing, among the other things, that I can’t compete with dad is his calmness. I have never seen dad being stressful about his work. I think he loves it. And even if he is stressed about his work, he can manage it and he will tell mom or us in a funny way that makes us laugh. Compared to me, I sometimes get stressed about my work or study. I can’t be calm sometimes. I know maybe it’s about time. Maybe I’m not mature enough. Not yet. But dad has given us a great example. He is a great role model.
Although he is perfect for me and he is such a great model, I still hate the fact that he often asks me when will I get married. ‘Who is the lucky guy’. Ew. He married at 24. I’m 25 now. So, again I’m losing to him. But I don’t want to compete about marriage. It’s not the thing that I can control. I even scarcely think about ‘marriage’ because my mind is full of the thesis stuff, methodology, and, yeah you know. I used to pity myself because I’m single and I had a bad breakup, but this year I feel like I’m the happiest single girl ever. Free like a bird.
But if you are asking what kind of guy that I would marry, I would say, the kind of guy like my dad. I mean, not exactly like my dad because that would be impossible, but the kind of guy who values things like my dad. I cannot explain this abstract thing, but I wish you could understand if I say, you know what I mean, right?
Alright, that was my story of the day. ‘Talk’ to you soon.